


Interlude I - 01 July 2004 @ 10:59 pm

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [12]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-17
Updated: 2013-01-17
Packaged: 2017-11-25 20:41:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/642766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A conversation on Live Journal between Lex and Clark. Lex written by LL.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Interlude I - 01 July 2004 @ 10:59 pm

01 July 2004 @ 10:59 pm

 

Lex

I just wanted you to know that I'll be too busy tonight to stop by the mansion. I need to talk to you about something that has been bothering me and I figure if I put it here I might actually be brave enough to actually talk about it.

I hope you're okay. I know I hurt you worse than you led on. 

I will talk to you very soon,

Clark

* * *

Lex:  
Angel,

I don't know what I can say to convince you that you did not hurt me badly. Just a few love marks to make me think of you. Yes, it was intense and no, we wouldn't want it to always be exactly that way, but I know (or at least hope) that we both enjoyed it. I know I did. Please stop beating yourself up over something that is not the problem you think it is.

What did upset me, however, was the fact that I felt there was something on your mind that you would not share with me. Have I done something that makes it difficult for you to confide in me? I know these things are hard. Perhaps if you tried to tell me here, on live journal, it would be easier? I know I'd sleep better if we gave it a try.

Yours,  
Lex

* * *

Clark:  
Okay. I'll try. 

It's not you. I just find it hard to talk in general to anybody. I guess I need to work on that.

I feel like the other day by the pool that you were implying that Dick and I were doing something behind your back. I was confused by your reaction and felt like when you said you were happy for me, that you really weren't. Did I do something wrong? I just felt like I said or did something and I can't figure out what it could have been.

I guess that was a lot easier that I thought it would be.

* * *

Lex:  
Clark,

I trust you and I want you to be happy. Of course I want you to have friends, and Dick seems like he's good for you. My reaction was because...I fear that he is too good for you, better than I. You splash in the pool with him. You seem happy, relaxed. 

I'm not what you are, what he is, what Lana is. I don't know that I can make you feel like that. I wish I could.

Thank you for telling me what's on your mind.

Yours,   
Lex

* * *

Clark:  
Lex,

Is that what you think? God, you're you! I love you the way you are. I guess because Dick is my age it's different. Of course you're not us. I don't even know how to say this. You came into my life and you opened my eyes. Before you, Lex, I was really boring and the biggest nerd ever. You make me feel alive. I feel smarter and more mature with you. I feel relaxed (except since you came back, but now I know what it is.) I should have just asked right away. I was just afraid I was reading something that wasn't there. Then I thought that you would laugh at me, or something like that. Or maybe that while you were away you'd discovered I was not what you wanted. 

I guess it is really better to ask. Except now it's so easy to say, but back then I was terrified that something bad would happen like you'd dump me or something like that.

We could splash in the pool together if you want. Man, I'm totally babbling now. 

Shutting up,

Clark the Babbler Kent

* * *

Lex:  
So I've changed you, but is that for the best? Is that what you really want? You seem almost relieved to be with Dick. And your accounts in your LJ of your time with Lana, while I was away...it seemed like you were trying to communicate to me how happy you were with her. Then I come back, and you seem so strained, like it is such an effort to be with me. And last night, you were so turned off by my viewing choice. I'm just not...that pure. I can't change that.

I don't want to hurt you. I'm sorry if I've encouraged you to do things that made you feel uncomfortable. Things that perhaps you didn't want to do. Especially last night. I hope that we can recover from this.

Clark, I love you. You can tell me anything. I don't know what I can say to convince you that you are what I want.

* * *

Clark:  
Oh boy! That's a lot to take in. 

I'm sorry if it bothered you that I was having a good time. I wasn't trying to rub it in or anything. I'll make sure the next time you go away I have a crappy time.

I knew what I was getting into and I take full responsibility for my own actions. Last night was weird. It was nice and everything. I'm just not used to cutting lose like that. It was scary, too. I know you say you're fine and that you liked it and that's great. I am really glad you did. I liked it and I am blushing now when I think about it.

I love you and I was really surprised to see that here. What if somebody hacks into this and discovers that you love me? Just teasing. 

I am also babbling again.

Clark

* * *

Lex:  
Clark, it didn't bother me that you were having a good time. That's not what I said. I'm not sure why you feel the need to read it that way. Maybe we should call it a night and pick this conversation up in the morning? Or maybe you should let it all out. Either way. 

I'm sorry if I have ever given you reason to doubt my love, or my willingness to profess it as such. Of course, my entire friends list would probably disagree with you there, but I'll say it as often as you need to hear it.

Yours,  
Lex

* * *

Clark:  
I think you're right. I need some sleep. I didn't get any last night. See you in the morning. Oh sure you can say I love you now before it was ditto. 

Clark

* * *

Lex:  
Angel, I thought we moved past this. Yes, intimacy can be difficult for me, and there have been very few people in my life that I could say those words too. For many years there was no one. But you have brought it out of me and I don't regret a thing. Why are you raising this issue of our past now? Am I withholding from you in some other way? Or were you just angry and lashing out? I hope after a night's sleep, you are seeing things differently.

* * *

Clark:  
I was just really tired. Sorry. I wasn't angry. I just felt like you were saying it has always been easy for you to say that. I'll shut up now. 

Can we just put it all behind us? Sometimes that's just the best thing to do. Unless you still want to talk about it.

There is one thing I wanted to ask. Did you distract me on purpose? I really like when we do sex stuff together, but maybe we're doing too much of that and not enough of other things. Or maybe I'm just being an idiot and this is way off base. I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to about anything. And maybe I'm a little bit stubborn. (Maybe)

I'm going to say it and please don't get mad. Am I just sex to you? I'm pretty sure I'm not. I've never done this before.

Okay, so there it is. 

Maybe instead we could go on a date, which sounds so stupid since you're always so busy with work and it would probably look bad. Or we could just splash in the pool. Or something. 

CK

* * *

Lex:  
Fuck, Clark, no. You're not just sex to me. How could you even think that? 

No, I wasn't trying to distract you, more the opposite. I saw you weren't going to tell me how you were feeling with words, so I thought that maybe somehow we could tell each other with our bodies. Clearly that was a misguided wish, as we only succeeded in distancing ourselves further. And I was in a strange mood that night. I was looking for release. I shouldn't have turned to you for that. I should have thought about how it would affect you.

I was under the impression that we do many things other than sex. We've gone to the movies. We've gone stargazing, hiking. Had a picnic. I already do think of those things as dates.

But as for splashing in the pool...this is the issue. I'm not Dick. I can't be something that I'm not. I can't undo my past, I try to change for you but I cannot erase myself.

* * *

Clark:

Lex, I know I can be slow sometimes.

Do you mean that you're not the splashing kind? You don't need to change for me. Please don't say that. 

Does that mean you aren't jealous of Dick or you are? I'm not following you. 

And of course I see those things that we did together as dates. I was just worried. Never mind. I was just trying to voice a fear. I was totally off. Except now you sound really mad at me and I don't know what you want me to say. I am really trying. I guess I suck at this dating thing.

And this is probably going to make things worse but I'm hitting send anyway. You can beat me up later, or something. Or yell at me or give me one of your 'What the hell' looks. Or maybe we could just forget the whole thing and move on or we could make a date to just talk in person which means I would have to be held down since I always have this urge to run when somebody confronts me. Mom and dad both say I do it. 

Shutting up now.

* * *

Lex:  
Clark, you're not slow. You're not a geek, or a nerd, or dumb. I hate it when you put yourself down.

Perhaps I'm not the splashing kind...I certainly have not been in the past, at least not the way you and Dick are. Of course I mean this more metaphorically than literally.

If I'm jealous of Dick, it's not that I'm jealous of the two of you, I'm more jealous of what you share...an outlook on life that I've never had. Do you understand the difference? I trust you. I want you to have friends. I'm glad you're having such a good time with Dick. I just...wish that...fuck. I can't explain it. I just sometimes wish that I wasn't me.

Clark, I'm upset but I'm not mad at you. I'm glad you're telling me how you feel and what you are thinking. I don't want to yell at you, and it would seem that we are communicating more fully here than we succeed at doing in person. At least, I think we are.

* * *

Clark:  
Lex,

To have you say something like this to me! I am so floored that you confided in me with something that I know must have been hard for you to admit. 

I love you even more now than I did before I read that. 

I know you hate when I put myself down, but really, Lex, come on. I am the slowest person I know. Pete always has to translate for me. I am getting better at it. For example, that porn I caught you watching was a threesome. Those two guys were giving each other blow jobs while the woman watched. Though I think it would have been better without the woman watching. And I did say I have seen porn before. I'm not totally clueless. Though most people seem to think I am. 

Anyway, I can't seem to stop babbling here.

You're perfect just the way you are. I can confess that there are times when I wish I wasn't me. 

Clark

* * *

Lex:  
Clark, I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier. I needed a little time. I don't know how things got so out of hand, but I'm glad we talked. I think I understand a bit more how you feel, and I also realized that I am willing to tell you things I wouldn't tell others, to take risks with you. I know we're worth it. I hope you agree.

You may think of yourself as slow, but I know you're not. And if you find me difficult to translate, it's because I was trained to be so...by my father, by everything. I know I hide from you sometimes. I try not too, but I do. 

So you'd rather no woman watching on in your porn, huh? I'll keep that in mind for the future. ;)

Yours,  
Lex

* * *

Clark:

It's cool. Mom and Dad went out so Dick and I shot some hoops and did some net surfing. 

It makes me feel so special that you can open up to me. I can imagine how hard that is. You're such an enigma all the time. Most people in town can't predict what you'll do next. 

I've kind of lost some of my steam. Dick and I just got back from the movies a little while ago.

Well, I guess it's because we have such different upbringings that we react so differently. Although that probably goes without saying. You know what I mean. I'm sure if your dad raised me I'd be hard to read, too. Not that this is a bad thing. If just means I have to stare at you a lot. 

Since you're not hard on the eyes I really don't mind. 

As for porn I'm really not into watching it. I feel uncomfortable doing that. I like making it. I bet that last time we had sex would have made cool porn. My mind is going really strange places tonight. You can blame Dick. He's has talked nonstop about Broody (that's what he calls Bruce. I accidentally did it earlier today since I am so used to Dick saying it now.) 

So yeah, it's all Dick's fault. He corrupted me. :)

* * *

Lex:

So, Angel, let me get this straight. You're not comfortable watching porn, but...you wouldn't mind starring in it? Because I certainly could get on board with that plan.

Don't worry. I'm just kidding. Well, mostly.

So Dick calls Bruce Broody, huh? I've got to say, that's quite appropriate. Perhaps I'll take to calling Bruce Broody as well. I'm sure he'll appreciate that.

And by the way, angel, stare all you want.

* * *

Clark:  
Man, Lex you made me spew my drink all over the place. I didn't mean I would star in porn. I could never do that. I meant with you. Just you! 

I just meant we could do porny stuff together. Like what I did to you just before you went away. Remember when I handcuffed you to the bed. I was thinking that was kind of hot. Plus, you look amazing naked. (did that make you blush at all?) 

I should make it my mission to get you to blush. I wonder what would make Lex Luthor blush. I will have to watch your even closer now to discover what that could be.

I guess we went off topic, but I like this topic much better. I am trying to be naughty. In case you didn't notice. Is it working?

* * *

Lex:

Don't worry, Clark. I don't mind packing the video cameras and lighting back up. ;)

I'm quite happy living in the moment. Why watch porn when we can live it? And believe me, I have not forgotten our handcuff episode. People would pay good money for that type of porn, if I do say so myself. But they won't be seeing it. However, I'd be happy to recreate the scenario with you at any time, for our own pleasure.

Now, getting me to blush is quite a challenge. Are you sure you're up to the task? I'll say this--while your comment has failed to make me blush, it did elicit another, more pressing, reaction.

* * *

Clark:

Pressing. Hee. I wonder what you're talking about there. I totally caught on. I hope it's not too hard for you to deal with. 

So you would want me to handcuff you on purpose to your bed? 

I will make it my summer mission to get you to blush. Want to give me a tiny hint about what would do it. ;)

* * *

Lex:  
No hints allowed. You'll have to figure that one out by yourself.

Most definitely on purpose. I'll be looking forward to it...

while dealing with my now even more pressing problem.

Sweet dreams, angel.

* * *

Clark:  
I wish I could help you with your pressing problem.

Sweet dreams, Lex.

I love you.

xo  
Clark


End file.
